Quotes

"Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax.
Lisa: That's the homeowners tax."

"Have you ever been to Canada? It's like Michigan, without any culture."

"On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job."

"Me: You would have to come in and get your stuff.
Him: Not if I won the lottery.
Me: Not even the picture of your wife?
Him: I'd get a new wife.
"

"And if you don't love me, would you please pretend?"

"Is it because we're having so much fun at home we've forgotten the world? Is it because we're so rich and the rest of the world's so poor and we just don't care if they are? I've heard rumors; the world is starving, but we're well fed. Is it true, the world works hard and we play? Is that why we're hated so much? I've heard the rumors about hate, too, once in a long while, over the years. Do you know why? I don't, that's sure! Maybe the books can get us half out of the cave. They just might stop us from making the same damn insane mistakes."

"Where in your job description does it say you are supposed to be happy?"

"Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go 'God dammit that's a big fat ass'!"

"...thanks to fate, the only cosmic force with a tragic sense of humor."

"What are you gonna do, tell on me? Then you'll be a no good, double faced, poopy pants tattle tale. Is that really how you deal with your problems? Grow up Kyle."

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!"

"Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice."

"I'm a Catholic, I can feel guilty about anything."

"Inside me is a thin woman crying to get out, but I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies."

"You got to go through hell before you get to heaven."

"Bad influence my ass! How many times have I told you: never listen to your mother!"

"Lenny: 'Always a nickel short and a dime late"
Ed: 'What the hell does that mean?'
Lenny: 'What do you want from me, it's two o'clock in the morning!'"

"My name is Sue! How do you do? Now you gonna die!"

"Who the hell is p-diddy-diddy?"

"You can't even say Christmas anymore, you have to say holiday so the minorities don't get offended. All the minorities should just go live with the other minorities."